The Secret Weapon to Warfare

I have discovered something that could turn the tide in any war.

Sun Tzu once wrote "Regard your soldiers as your children, and they will follow you into the deepest valleys.
Look on them as your own beloved sons, and they will stand by you even unto death!"

So what better way to regard them as your children and at the same time send them into a berserker rage than to take them to Maggie Moo's Ice Cream Treatery?

Just make sure to keep the cotton candy ice cream and gummy bears monstrosity in a vanilla dipped and sprinkled waffle cone coming non stop and your army will begin to foam at the mouth and engage in a rage of divine proportions that would make Patton flee in stark raving terror. Your enemies would see the ice cream covered warriors charging down the hills with their blue stained tongues, hands and mouths and they would run over their own mothers to leave the battlefield.

Maggie moos

They will crush the enemy and see them driven before them while they hear the lamentation of the women.

I saw first hand what such a horde can do, I took my own kids there yesterday. The sugar high kicked in within three minutes of the first bite.

My six year old began to shake and his teeth chattered at such a speed that there was a local earthquake picked up by the Tennessee Department of Geological Sciences that measured 4.2 on the Richter magnitude scale.

My two year old ran back and forth non stop while carrying wadded up napkins covered in ice cream, he moved so fast that it would have made Psychopompus himself proud.

My eleven year old sat motionless and calm however he hovered over his ice cream as if he were in Riker's, and the fire in his eyes... if someone reached in to take his ice cream, they would have pulled back a bloodied stump.

Oh the horror, the pure unadulterated horror.

It was enough to drive any H.P. Lovecraft protagonist insane from the first paragraph.

It is vital that the supply comes in fast and continuous, if you go too long in recharging their batteries there is this unfortunate result in what has been coined "The Crash". Once "The Crash" begins to settle in, there is no stop... they will just fall like a wet washrag anywhere... for instance, a chair, the floor, with their crayons clenched in fists and their noses in a coloring book or even in a sitting position held aloft by some unholy means while the Legend of Zelda plays on their Nintendo DS.

There is also the unfortunate side affect of addiction, when they come to from their crash they will ask non stop and sometimes in unison; "Are we going back there today?" or "When can I have some more?".

Be wary, your soldiers may turn on you.